What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
13.06.2025 23:59
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
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What did i know ?
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
Are Indian youths conservative or liberal?
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
Why did i forgive my father ?
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
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Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
I will be 64.
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
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When she asked me how she looked .
And who doesn’t know suffering?
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
Why is there so much evil in the world?
My life is so biszare .
I said to her
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
Put me off passion for life!!
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
I had hoped to write a book about this .
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
He resisted the act ,that day.
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
On the 31st of Jan this month .
I was very sick at this time too.
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
But it wasn’t much.
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
They are buried together, in the same grave..
But ive been too sick for many years..
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
I waited trembling.
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
Im dying but, im not bitter.
I couldn’t, believe it.
She found it foreign!.
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
I was seconnd youngest,
I never cut or harmed myself..
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
As i do to all so called friends.?
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
We were not on the streets..
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
Comes on , in middle age.
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
He knew the spot.
I was scared of men, in general
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
Im still living with it.
My family never makes their pension either.
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
I have no regrets .
Where the ultimate outsiders.
She loved him until the end.
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
She was in good health!
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
So whats the point in blame.
Would this be the day?
This is how, and why children get BPD.
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
I write beautiful poetry .
Who then, do I blame.?
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
She married twice! .
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
This is soul school!.
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
All the time i was locked up.
Ive learnt so much.
But, we were locked up after school.
So, i spoilt her more .
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
She wouldn,t have been !
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
I did it because my mum asked me too!
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
Was to survive, this bastard.
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
The only rule us 5 kids had .
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
I was 9 years of age.
And i lived it daily.
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
I could never make a relationship work though!
He was dying to do it , i knew.
Especially a lifetime of it.
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
One cannot live in the past .
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
(And it was in our own minds.)
My mum and dad in the seventies!
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
I think the readers, may guess!
I know ,a lot about trauma.
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
I don,t even have a pension.
We all went to grammer schools
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
It was going to be , some day.
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t